Category Archives for "Article"

Emotions and Gender

Researchers have found the following similarities and differences between males and females:

  • They are experienced at comparable rates, but women more readily remember them later
  • Women seem “more emotional” because they report more intense emotions and more readily “catch” emotions due to higher levels of emotion recognition and empathy
  • Women experience anger at same rates as men, and at the same or higher levels of intensity
  • Women experience anger for longer periods, but also are more likely than men to feel ashamed about their anger
  • Men express more frequently and intensely contempt, loneliness, pride, confidence, guilt and excitement; women express more frequently and intensely positive feelings
  • Both sexes are more emotionally expressive to women, but express greater anger towards men
  • Women are more emotionally-skilled, and compared to men are better at:
  1. Recognizing emotions in themselves and others
  2. Decoding non-verbal expressions of emotion
  3. Using emotions to better understand situations and facilitate solutions to conflicts
  4. Managing their emotions overall
  • However: When sufficiently motivated, and given some time and effort, men can match women’s emotion recognition and processing skills


Gross, J. (2008). Emotion regulation. In: M. Lewis, J. Haviland-Jones & L. Feldman Barnett (Eds.), Handbook of Emotions, pp. 497-512. New York: Guilford.

Salovey, P., Detweiler-Bedell, B., Detweiler-Bedell, J., & Mayer, J. (2008). Emotional intelligence. In: M. Lewis, J. Haviland-Jones & L. Feldman Barnett (Eds.), Handbook of Emotions, pp. 497-512. New York: Guilford.

Simon, R., & Nath, L. (2004). Gender and emotion in the United States: Do men and women differ in self-reports of feelings and expressive behavior? American Journal of Sociology, 109 (5), 1137-1176.

Anger Management: Coping With Distressing Emotions

Based on laboratory studies and field research with many cultures around the world, the anthropologist Paul Eckman determined that there are six primary human emotions, which are hard-wired and available from birth: Anger, Fear, Sadness, Joy, Surprise and Disgust.

In addition to the six primary emotions, humans also experience what have been called “social” emotions, necessary for meeting social demands and expectations.  The major social emotions are:  shame, guilt, jealousy, embarrassment and pride.  Still others, which may also be regarded as states of mind rather than pure emotions, include being Disrespected, Ignored, Betrayed,  Unimportant, Inadequate, Disappointed, Hurt, Lonely, Worried, Confused, and Helpless.

Emotions not only make life more interesting and meaningful, but are necessary for survival and getting one’s needs met.  Think of your emotions, like your senses, as a means by which you get information from the world.  When they are working the way they should, emotions provide further information about the environment and your relationship to it.  For example, anger warns you of a possible threat and prepares you to take action against that threat.  Fear also warns you about a threat, but prepares you to flee.  When you are sad, it means that there is something missing from your life, and you are drawn to others to comfort you.  When you are generally happy around a particular individual, you probably will want to spend more time with them, knowing that your love and belonging needs are being met. Denying or ignoring one’s emotions is as foolish as deliberately blinding oneself or puncturing your ear drums.

Unfortunately, because they are generated by your thoughts, and your thoughts are not always rational, emotions cannot always be trusted. Not only are many of them irrational, but they are automatic and contained within your head.  Unless you share them with someone who can give you a more objective perspective, you are likely to believe your thoughts and act on them.


It is easy to look at people and events in the environment and decide that they are causing you to feel in a
particular way (for example, “She makes me angry;” This job is depressing.”).  However, events and situations don’t cause emotions.  Rather, your “self-talk” (what you tell yourself in your head about those events) causes those emotions.  If your self-talk happens to accurately reflects what is actually going on in the world, then your emotions – no matter how strong – will be appropriate to the situation. For example, if after suddenly becoming homeless you think to yourself “this is horrible” and felt very sad, that self-talk and the emotion that goes with it would be appropriate to the situation.  However, feeling angry because you are telling yourself that it is “horrible and terrible” that your partner prefers not to go out to dinner with you would be an example of distorted self-talk.

Having more control over your emotions requires that you be able to identify your distorted thinking.  It is best to do this with pen and paper.  Next time you experience a distressing event, write down:  (1) the situation you were in; (2) the distressing emotions you were feeling; and (3) the self-talk in your head.  Then, using the chart below to guide you, see if you can identify any distorted self-talk, and challenge it.

Types of distorted self-talk

Challenging your thinking


“He’s trying to mess with me”
“He doesn’t really love me”

“How do I know?”
“I can’t read minds”

(others or ourselves)

“Jerk,” “Bitch,” “Lazy,” “Idiot,” etc.

“Everyone has a good side. What is it about their behavior that I don’t like?”


“She is never going to change”
“I’ll never get another job”

“I am not a psychic.”


“This is horrible, terrible”
“The weekend’s ruined”

“How bad is this, compared to a real tragedy – like the death of a loved one?”


“He can’t talk to me like that”
“This has to change”

“He can, but I don’t have to like it.”
“Nothing has to change. I can try my best.”

Arbitrary inferences

“She is working late again – must be having an affair”

“People do things for many reasons.”

Black and White Thinking

“They are either with me or against me.”

“They disagree with me in some ways and agree in others ways.”


“Things never go my way”
“Women are just impossible”

“Sometimes they go my way, sometimes not.”
“Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places. Or I need to make better choices.”


Distressing emotions are also caused by irrational beliefs.  Look at the list below, from the psychologist Albert Ellis.  Ask yourself what types of behaviors people engage in who have the belief.  For example, one who believes that it is “an absolute necessity” to have love and approval would have a tendency to overly please others, resulting in anxiety, loneliness, or anger.  See if you relate to any of these beliefs.  Then re-write them by taking out the distortions (e.g., magnification and absolutes.  This will give you a more realistic way of looking at things (e.g., “I would like to have love and approval”).

  • It is an absolute necessity that I have love and approval from peers, family and friends.
  • I must be unfailingly competent and almost perfect in all I undertake.
  • It is horrible when people and things are not the way I would like them to be.
  • People are fragile and should never be hurt.
  • I am helpless and have no control over what I experience or feel.
  • If I don’t go to great lengths to please others, they will abandon or reject me .
  • When people disapprove of me, it means I am wrong or bad.
  • Happiness and fulfillment can only occur in the presence of others, and being alone is horrible.
  • I shouldn’t have to feel pain – I am entitled to a good life.
  • My worth as a person depends on how much I achieve and produce.
  • There is a perfect love, and a perfect relationship.



Sometimes you feel terrible event though there is nothing stressful happening in the environment.  You just feel that way, due to the automatic thoughts that pop into your head and feed upon one another. But blaming yourself or obsessing over your feelings will not make them go away, nor the thoughts that accompany them. Worrying about your feelings or trying desperately to control your irrational thoughts only leads to more distress.

When you wind up feeling anxious about your anxiety, angry about your loneliness, etc., you are producing more unpleasant emotions, which you attempt to alleviate by doing things that wind up making things worse.  This includes drinking excessively, acting out with aggression, or withdrawing into yourself and therefore missing experiences that you might otherwise learn from. An example of the latter would be avoiding people after a relationship break-up, causing you to feel even more depressed, leading to further isolation.  In your mind, the isolation “proves” that you are “hopeless.”  Obviously, this is a type of problem that you cannot think your way out of.  Trying to control your thoughts is like fighting in quicksand:  the more you struggle, the deeper you sink.

No matter how well you challenge your irrational thoughts and beliefs you can expect them to persist, at least on some level, because they are wired in your brain.  Once your irrational thoughts and beliefs lead you to experience intense emotions, your decision-making capabilities are further undermined.  This is partly due to the way that memories are stored in the brain.  When you experience intense, distressing emotions, the parts of your brain that process those emotions, located largely in the amygdala, naturally link-up with memories of similarly distressing emotions that have no sense of time and space.  So, for example, when your partner criticizes you about something, it feels like they “always” criticize you, because your brain is linking together experiences of being criticized all at once.  You are then at risk for either acting-out with aggression, feeling greater levels of anxiety, or withdrawing into a sinking depression.

The good news is that your thoughts and feelings, no matter how distressing, have far less power over you when you remember that they are not real entities, but rather neural activity and body sensations. Some of them are useful, and some are not, but it is important that you know that you are not your thoughts and feelings. The thoughts in your head may seem confusing and often in conflict, like pieces on a chessboard.  But you are neither the black pieces or white pieces; you are, rather, the chessboard that holds them. This is a useful metaphor for helping you detach from your thoughts and emotions, so you are not controlled by them.  The following grounding exercise is also useful.

Close your eyes and sit quietly in a comfortable chair.  There is nothing more that you have to do, other than to be aware of the experience. After 5-10 minutes, answer the following questions:

  1. How did you experience this meditation? What were you aware of externally – e.g., sounds, temperature in the room, feeling of your body against the chair or couch?
  1. What were you aware of internally? Current thoughts, memories, speculation about the future?  Or feelings – e.g, bored, excited, annoyed, happy?

After a few hours, or later in the week, do this exercise again, preferably at the same time and location.  What did you experience in the external environment?  Did you experience the same sounds and sensations as before, and exactly the same way, or differently?  What did you experience within yourself?  Did you notice how your thoughts and feelings changed?

There is no “right” or “wrong” way to do this meditation.  Its purpose is to help you get grounded, so that you can develop a capacity for self-observation and detachment, crucial in coping with stress and intense feelings.  Remember this: Your thoughts and feelings, and even sensations of the outside environment, are always changing, sometimes from second to second.  However, the part of you that is aware of these fleeting thoughts, feelings and sensations, which psychologists call the “self” or “observing ego,” does not change.


Identifying distorted thoughts can help you act less impulsively and make better short-term decisions, and learning to detach from those thoughts and their accompanying emotions will keep them from ruling your life.  Ultimately, however, achieving good mental health and having a fulfilling life requires that you take action.  What is it that you actually have control over?  As the figure below indicates, you have the most control over your behavior


  • your behavior
  • your thoughts, feelings, and desires.
  • other people’s behavior
  • other people’s thoughts, feelings, and desires.


You cannot wait until you feel better about yourself before you make changes in your life.  You can determine for yourself what those changes ought to be by setting goals that are consistent with your core values, using the chart below as a guide.

Area of life


Long term goals

Short term goals


(deepest, most meaningful relationships – including children, partner, parents, close friends and relatives)


(paid work, studying/ education/ and

unpaid work such as volunteering, or domestic duties)


(rest and relaxation, hobbies, creativity, sport, all forms of leisure, recreation and entertainment)


(physical, psychological, emotional, or spiritual health and well-being.)

Working towards your goals does much more than giving you a sense of purpose and direction.  Because of the actions you have taken, you start to view yourself in a more positive way.  As you build confidence, your motivation to change increases, resulting in more positive action.  Meanwhile, your brain itself is slowly being re-wired.  In time your thoughts and emotions themselves change.


Anger Management: Jealousy

Jealousy is one of the major “social” emotions. Like anger, it can be very destructive when not processed and expressed properly.

Answer the following questions:

  • Do you get jealous a lot? When was the last time you felt jealous, and with whom?
  • Why do you think you get jealous?
  • Do you think your jealousy is helpful or not helpful? What has it accomplished for you? How has it helped or hinder your ability to get your interpersonal needs met?
  • The last time someone was jealous around you, how did they act? How did they make you feel?

How to cope with a jealous partner:

  • It is normal for your partner to feel insecure when you appear interested in other members of the opposite sex. If feeling jealous prompts your partner to communicate with you so as to clarify your intentions, address some your relationship problems, or simply end the relationship, that’s a good thing.
  • Healthy relationships are based on trust. If your partner’s jealousy is unfounded and leads to abusive and controlling behaviors on their part, then there is no trust.

Your partner has a right to know, generally, where you spend your time and with whom. However, persistent questioning about your whereabouts are signs of pathological jealousy. Pathological jealousy is always about the other person, never you. Explaining yourself over and over only makes your partner suspect that you are a persistent liar. Be willing to discuss any other relationship issues that might be contributing to your partner’s unhappiness, and offer support. If you have to, suggest that they get into therapy to work on their jealousy. However, trust is not negotiable, and no one has a right to abuse and control.

John Hamel, LCSW

Anger Management: The Myth of the Pressure Cooker

When individuals act aggressively towards others, they often excuse their behavior by saying something like, “I lost it,” or “I just blew my top,” implying that they had no control over themselves, like a pressure cooker that exploded because the steam-release device was broken.  At very high levels of anger, it can certainly feel like you have no control over your anger.  But is this literally true?  Please read the scenario below and answer the questions.

When you first arrive at your office after the usual commute, your anger level on a scale of 1 to 10 is about a 2, meaning that you are feeling mildly frustrated, but otherwise fine.  However, later in the morning, your boss screams at you in front of your co-workers, and hints that you might be the next employee to go in the next round of layoffs.

  • What is your anger level at that point, on a scale of 1 – 10? _________

In the afternoon, while trying desperately to meet a deadline, your spill a cup of coffee in your lap.  After having to stay an extra hour to answer a lot of pointless e-mails, you leave the office only to find yourself in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the way home.  When traffic finally picks up, a police officer pulls you over for speeding.  This is the third moving violation you have had in the past year, and you are now in danger of losing your license.

  • Has your anger level gone up or down? What is your anger level now? _________
  • How do you respond to getting this new ticket? Do you start screaming at the officer, maybe throw the ticket in his face, or just punch him?  Or are you more likely to just keep your mouth shut, grit your teeth and wait for him to leave so you can take your anger out by kicking the side of your car?
  • If you chose to not act-out on the officer, what kept you from doing so?

When describing their anger and how they responded to a particular situation, people say things like, “I was really steamed,” “I felt hot under the collar,” and “My anger just boiled over.”  In fact, you are not a pressure cooker, and there is no “steam” inside you.  For sure, you feel tension in your body, and your adrenaline levels may go up, but other than making you feel uncomfortable, there is nothing inherently threatening or harmful about your immediate feelings of anger.  There are no accounts in any medical journals of someone actually “blowing up” because they were too angry.  Instead, think of your anger like a smoke alarm.  A smoke alarm is loud and obnoxious.  Furthermore, when a smoke alarm goes off in your home, it doesn’t tell you how big the fire is, or even if there’s a fire at all (someone may be cooking) and it certainly doesn’t tell you how to put it out.  But it is very necessary, and thinking of your anger like a smoke alarm will allow you to use it more productively.

John Hamel, LCSW

Anger Management: Fair Fighting Principles

  • It takes two people to resolve a conflict, and two to escalate.
  • It takes only one person to stop a conflict. If one person refuses to argue, and the other continues, there is no longer a conflict but rather a tantrum.
  • Stop trying to “win.” No one but you cares if you are right, or have “won” a debating point.  There is no hidden jury, no judge, and no verdict.
  • Forget about “who started it.” You both “started it” when you became a couple.  The chain of causality ultimately goes back to your upbringing and your gene pool.  Focus instead on what is in front of you, and go from there.
  • Everything is negotiable. You have a right to ask for whatever you want, but don’t expect to get it.  Your partner can ask for whatever they want, and you don’t have to give it to them.
  • Your partner has a right to be wrong – and ignorant, irrational, etc.
  • If it doesn’t work, stop doing it.
  • If you are in an abusive relationship and won’t leave when you are able to, the more you try to convince others how dysfunctional your partner is, the more dysfunctional you
  • When you blame others for your actions, you are giving them power over you (if they are the “cause” of your behavior, then they are the solution)
  • You, and only you, are responsible for getting your needs met.


John Hamel, LCSW